Zwei Jahre

Hey! Stay with me! Since I haven’t posted for a while then this writing may be a little longer than usual.


My second birthday has arrived. 🎉 Many people have told me that they admire my strength, but I myself have always answered that I only had two options. EITHER I take my own life OR I'm going to fight real hard to get well and since I'm not that badass of a human being to take my own life (honestly, personally I think that a person who can put a hand on themselves is insanely strong), then I only had the choice to start husting.


And here I am now. I have two incredibly difficult, but educational and eye-opening years behind me. There have been a lot of tears, but also a lot of laughter. I have come a long way, but there is still a very long way to go. I still haven't fully recovered my leg and arm, but I'm not giving up. There have been many moments when I have wanted to do this. But then someone comes along and says something to me that makes me grab the edge of that abyss and push forward.

Unfortunately, I can no longer do the personal trainer work (yet at least) that is so dear to my heart and I had to start thinking about how I can start earning money in the future. I can't do anything physical, because I'm (it's so funny to say that because I never would have thought that in my life) disabled. I can't stand on my feet for long, and after only ~10 minutes of walking balance disorders occur. I'm also half as fast on the computer because I only have one working hand. Fortunately, Kuressaare Vocational School accepted me to study with open arms, and the design manager there has thrown me headfirst into all kinds of crazy situations. The last one is, as you can understand from the title, I started learning German in order to go to Germany for an internship for four months, and where I landed exactly 4 days ago. It will be a challenge, but obstacles are meant to overcome them! Already as a teenager, to put it mildly, I hated hurdles, but here I am again. I feel like life won't stop putting me in these situations until I learn to love the obstacles. And under the cover of secrecy, I can say that I'm already slowly melting.


And by the way, the funniest thing about it is that I once said that I would never learn German, because it is an ugly language and nothing there for me, in Germany. So never say never, maybe I'll find the man of my dreams here, too. 😂


Now. I will also talk a little about getting here. Even before arriving in Germany, several signs showed me that coming here was the right decision. The first one was when I wrote to the Estonians in Germany group and only one person answered me there. When we started communicating with her, it turned out that her job is to help disabled people, and promised to ask about rehabilitation from her boss, who had also recently had a stroke. Unfortunately, there has a lot of paperwork to be done before finally getting to the doctor, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it, but maybe the physio and the masseuse - I also took my rehabilitation stuff with me and I'll continue to go to the gym!


Another cool experience was that on Saturday morning, the day before my flight to Germany when I opened Instagram, I had several likes from one person. Well, as I always do - I went to see who he was and his bio said that he speaks four languages, one of which is Estonian, and that he lives in the exact same city that was my destination! Obviously, I immediately wrote to him and we are now in touch! Hopefully, we will meet soon! ☺️


So how has the trip been these first days When we took off from Estonia, I told my classmate that when we land, we'll see if there's a map of the airport somewhere on the internet, but when we landed, the Lufthansa app itself told me, look, here's a map, so you can get to the next gate more easily. Btw, props to Lufthansa app! Super good!! Thanks to this, I didn't need the help of the airport staff to get to the next gate faster! I managed it all by myself 😎


And when I landed in Germany, Trad Attack's Ella started playing in the playlist, which lifted my mood so much that I pressed the tears of joy back in. In other words. This whole trip here went SUPER-smoothly. At the Düsseldorf airport train station, a German even asked ME for directions - I could help her a little in German, but then it got complicated and I passed the ball of yarn to a nearby local. But everything I've experienced so far confirms to me that I'm in exactly the right place in my life right now! 🤩


And a joke too. The first day in Germany was Sunday. We started to go to the store with a big hurrah until we remembered that nothing is open here on Sundays 😂 Fortunately, we found a kebab place, where we got dinner at least. Ahh! And with the first taxi, we were left with red pants, douche taxi driver put a larger amount in the payment terminal than it was, and in the great excitement, I didn't notice it at all - what a lesson.

These were my emotions during the first two days in Germany. The third day, however, did not start so well. I had to face the fact that I had wildly overestimated myself. I hurt my body by doing a hike to the gym with a gym- and work bag, where I was sent back with the information that I cannot train there without having a German bank account. Well, it turned out that it would have been possible but anyway. Then the meetings at the office were not very encouraging, because there was not a lot of talk about interactive graphic design (which is my specialty), rather graphic design and I feel that I am not the right person for that.


When I got home and started cooking, I cried again (yes again - I watered already several times during the day), because the food was everywhere. I can't with one hand!!!!! 😤😔 And so I ate the disgusting meal that I was able to prepare. Honestly, IF I really had to last 4 months here, I would only eat instant noodles. But at that moment, those four months already seemed very improbable to me - I was already ready to admit that I failed my mission to prove that I can do it alone.

But still! Days are not sisters! On the fourth morning, I was smarter and went to the gym by bus. The night before, I signed up online at home and got in! The gym is decent - so many machines, which I had dreamed of in Estonia - so I was already excited that I could spend several hours in there on Saturday and write a new training plan for myself. At work, the first project also began to unfold better than I could have imagined. In other words, this is a reminder to you too - it's okay to be stubborn and to cry too, but don't give up. 😂😂


And from the point of recovery. While I have never given up on my foot in these two years, I have done so countlessly with my hand. But every time I have said it out loud, there have been improvements. Only a few weeks ago, while doing a lat pulldown, I felt certain movements for the first time, which I've been working on for so long - hopefully, soon I won't fly away like a bird again, because the shoulder blade is starting to understand what to do and how to be. The day after that I was able to move my rotator cuffs much better. And the shoulder muscles have visibly started to move better under the skin. So the hand just won't let me give up on him.

Who would have thought that a person whose almost all hobbies are related to water would have to start learning to swim again at the age of 27. Yes, things are getting better with that too, because the water therapy is already good just as it is and I have to learn to swim properly again because my hobbies are still waiting for me to get back in the water! At this point, I would like to say a big thank you and bow to the Johan Spa Hotel, who has helped me on this journey with permission to use their pool! 😘🥹


The leg is also definitely better. I am still struggling to get certain muscles to work so that I could lift my foot again without the orthosis and run. Yes! I WANT TO RUN!


But all in all. I send all the doctors, physios, and equally skilled googlers who have told me that after 6 months there are no major changes to hell. Yes. There wouldn’t be if l had done only the things and as much as the doctors suggested So. Exercise is wrong and there's no point in wasting time and money on my body, cause it's not going to work anyway!

With this, I would like to encourage all the people in similar situations. Do 100 or more times more than the doctors tell you to do because most of their recommendations would leave you bedridden. And dare to turn to people and companies and request help. EVERYONE understands that the support from the health insurance fund is less than minimal for recovery and that you have to invest a huge amount of time and money in it yourself, and they will help you!


But to end this writing, I'm not as active on the blog as I was at the beginning, because I don't have anything new to tell you - if something arises, I'll come and tell you. I am still dealing with recovery and studies on a daily basis. Sometimes the situation is more beautiful and sometimes more difficult. But if you want to keep up with my daily activities and take a peek at how I cope in Germany, I'm more active on Instagram than here, so go take a look @karmelp.


Vielen dank und einen schönen Tag noch! 😘