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During the last few weeks I've been asked a lot how am I doing? Understandable, because I haven't posted anything in a long time and the last post was emotionally at high.

Maybe I don't want to climb down from that high cloud where my dear Lydia took me when persuading me to go wakeboarding. What a day and an experience it was! 🤩

So I think it is the time to do a post again. This time there is nothing so special as my previous post, but at least I’ll tell you what my body does and how I feel.

Let's start by saying that it’s been made super clear to me that I did not study to be a personal trainer in order to be one. I really liked the job, you could even say that I loved it, but I have realised that life knew that something like this (stroke) was behind the corner and guided me to learn as soon as possible so that I could help myself! Right now I go to the gym almost every morning (at least 6 days a week). Thanks to knowing the anatomy and what how works, I can do it with peace of mind. Without worry of hurting myself nor about money (rehabilitation treatment is expensive and it's one thing I don't have to pay for). Probably that's why I go so often, because I know I can't afford my ideal treatment and I have to do give my ultimate maximum and more to get well as soon as possible.

At home I still do a lot of electrical stimulation, massage the most critical points and stretch.

In addition I go to ultrasound therapy, massage, manual therapy and physiotherapy. I’m waiting to start swimming as well (the pool is currently in renovation). I hope I don't forget anything else I do. 😁

So. Mentally… Well… It's still cloudy with clearing up - sometimes very stormy, but then totally sunny again.

Honestly, it hurts when friends don't contact me anymore because I slow down / block them… The worst thing about it is that I totally understand them. It makes sense that they don't call me when they go hiking or biking or swimming - you name it - I can't do these things! But fuck, it still hurts. I want to be able to do those things too! But this is inevitable in my current situation. 🤷‍♀️

I've also noticed, that the way I look at videos on social media (yes, I don't see people very much in person, I don't go out a lot, mainly therapies and trainings) has changed. For example, a stupid (read: cool) tikok challenge. If I looked at them before stroke, I jumped up to try them for myself, then now I stare at the feet and hands and my thoughts tend to be…negative. My thoughts are something along the lines 'I can never do that again'. Then I close my phone, am annoyed/sad and try to take my thoughts elsewhere - I often pick up the book because at that moment I don't even have the appetite to exercise.

But looking at the positive side - I can proudly say that I have become a reader! 📚🤓 Whether I get to the Killing level is another thing, but already right now am proud of myself because before I, at best, read one book a year and that was also if I read. 😬😁

I was asked one day how do I stay so positive. You can read on this blog how everything is difficult, but then you see me smiling - what’s this about?! Let's just say - it's balance. 🤷‍♀️ You don't have to get sick to understand it. We all have brighter and more difficult moments and during those hard moments, we humans tend to be alone. For me, my bedroom is the place where I deal with my feelings and if necessary, I cry it out so that I can step outside again and smile. Yes, sometimes it's hard to keep a smile when outside. It's kind of like depression - it doesn't mean that a person is crying all the time, even a person with a smiley face can be VERY depressed.

Here I would like to point out that if you think it is weird to make a compliment / cute gesture to a total stranger on the street, then know that it is not - do it! You can not imagine how much it may help this person. I know this very well myself. For example, just recently I had a day, where my body didn’t want to work with me at the gym. My body refused to train. I cried inside, held my tears back so hard, because I couldn’t do anything and then, during one exercise, I felt like someone was trying to make a contact. I then finished the exercise and looked at her whilst removing the headphones. She then approached quickly and asked if I was Karmel. I said yes I am and then came a bunch of praise and that she is so looking forward to a new post all the time that how it’s going etc.…

What tears? GONE!

What a bad mood? NOWHERE TO BE SEEN!

What body is not willing to work? IT IS!

And just to add to the end here that if you have nothing good to say, don't say it at all - just walk away. 🤷‍♀️ 😊

So, my progress?

There has been no trastic change, very minimal progress.

The hand still does not work from the elbow down. If you see a grip on the videos, it's spasticity and I don’t do it myself and can't control it. Nevertheless, one day when I did the electrical stimulation on my hand, for the first time I felt a constant buzz in my fingertips - that should be good. 🤷‍♀️😁 The shoulder, elbow and shoulder blade also need hard work to get them 100% working. The same story is on the foot as on the hand - the spasticity of the calf is so strong that the muscles can’t do their job and the muscles closer to the trunk also need a lot of work. However, I can say that the foot has became a bit more stable again.

So, as I said, unfortunately there has been no trastic changes. It can even be said that there has been a plateau for some time. I comfort myself with the fact that usually after the plateau there is a sudden rise, so ……. Something’s cookin ’!!! 😬🤩 And I try to keep my willpower strong and not give up. Although, as you know, it is not easy when you do and do and do, but you can’t see the results. The picture here is a good explanation for why we should not give up and what I REALLY remind myself every day right now. My diamonds is 100% working body.

And mentally… it is what it is. I started going to Biofeedback again this month to pull these roller-coaster emotions together again. 😊

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