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Off my shoulders

I haven't posted anything here in a long time because I think I should write if I have something to say, not just because of the content.

I have touched today's topic briefly before as well, but because it is so actual, I thought I’d talk about it again on a deeper level.

Let's start from the beginning. I have had completely hectic start to the summer. I am honest with you that my rehabilitation treatment was lacking a bit because everything else had to be done. I did less regular workouts and therapies and my excuse was that at least I'm in constant motion, and when I'm somewhere, I also mess around with my hand. I'm already doing it so subconsciously that once I'm completely recovered, I have some forced movements that I have to learn not to do again. 😁

After midsummers, however, I felt insane guilt and tried to pull myself together. I started training at home, but I have to be in the right environment for everything. Therefore, I just can't get that proper workout spirit in me at home and have to go to the gym, even if I'm just stretching.

So my home workouts were very superficial and I did more electrical stimulation and used the workout features of my fancy neuroortoses. However, this course of action still crushed on my heart, because the desire to be healthy again as soon as possible and return to work is insane!

So I upped my game and started training at the gym again. I have met physiotherapist and added massage also back to my schedule.

Since I have lived in the countryside and I don't have a car myself, I have to depend a lot on others, because using the bus in the current state is also out of the question, because I can't walk for too long. And using another person's car all the time is a big deal for me because I feel uncomfortable taking away the freedom from the car owner to move whenever they want. But I also learn and grow. I tell myself that I don't have to manage everything by myself and it's okay to ask for help and accept help (yes, it's hard for me, I've been too independent since I was little, it's hard to be so dependent 🤷‍♀️), but honestly, i've gotten better at it!

I’ve even gone out, tried to dance and feel like a healthy person, I've heard a lot "you're so wonderful, you're incredibly strong, if anyone comes out of it as a winner, then you" and so on. It's great to hear it all. Since I am also very critical on myself, you are insinuating in me that I indeed am all these good words, and this is probably one of the reasons I push myself more and more. I already feel the obligation that I MUST recover, because everyone who keeps an eye on my doings expects it from me, and I can't let you down - even more myself. So I'm going to recover 100% and I'm going to be better than ever! 😎

Some say I have to tell myself that I am recovered, but in my eyes, it would be lying to myself, because at the moment I’m still in process of recovering. 🤓

Anyway, I want you to know and understand that not everything is as pretty as I might show it out to be. The weather above my head (read: inside my brain) is cloudy with clearings, sometimes very stormy. For example, if you see me at a club, face full of laughter, trying to dance, then yes, I do enjoy it, but at the same time I’m crying inside that I can't do it like I once did.

I cry myself to sleep over and over again. Sometimes it's because I'm so tired of my situation. I can't dance normally. I can't surf. I can't go swimming in peace. I can't go for a walk. I constantly need help with something and so on and so on. Even such a simple and humane thing as going to the grocery store alone is difficult for me.

And sometimes it's because money doesn't grow on a tree and everything I need is so expensive. At times I don't even want to go to physiotherapist, massages and therapies and I try to cope with everything myself, although the reality is that I need help. Again, this dependence on someone else comes out, this feeling is so strange and uncomfortable for me.

Ideally, I would need a massage every other day, a workout and a physiotherapy every day, and then all these additional therapies as well. And let's not forget that I need constant transportation to them, and since I don't have the means to move myself, I have to ask for the help of others, which means that their work and activities are disrupted.

But then I think again, if I want to get back to my former life quickly, it has to be done! And it's so hard. This existential struggle within me. It's like ‘to be or not to be’ question in me, but a little different ‘to do or not to do’ and ‘what to do’ and ‘how much to do’. 😱

To calm down this struggle inside me a little, I've been having lots of fun lately to keep my soul and spirit positive. I have attended parties where I have danced as much as I can. Communicating with people, goingout on a boat (the sea is a total relaxation place), tubing, spending time with friends and family, tripping around, etc.

I try to be as active as I can, maybe even too much. When my legs start to swell up, the mind realizes that I should stop and rest, but the heart does not understand and for some reason the heart almost always wins. And so I 'torture' myself, leg is swollen and sore, but I don't go home either, because that's how I want to live my life - on my terms.

Basically, all you see is this physical side and that development is happening and that is good - and it is- it’s fantastic! But I have realized that the psychological side is even more important in such things, and it is a totally separate opera. Much more complex than the physical world - that's what I struggle with the most.

I feel more and more how this whole situation has pushed me psychologically into a corner, and if even a small sting comes from somewhere in my direction, it may seem small, but for me it can be decisive. It's hard to explain, and I've already heard saying ‘don't play a victim’, but then I think, the person who makes such comments doesn't have a clue about what I'm actually going through and I can't get angry. Yes, I don't show it and cry on my own, but I'm struggling.

I want you to be able to jump on my skin for a day to figure out what I'm really talking about, because just by looking at me, you’d never say something is rotten. So if someone says they have depression or some kind of psychological trauma, really consider it and act accordingly.

Straight and honestly from the heart. Again. Teary as I wrote it, but this had to be done. So you don't think everything is so easy and beautiful and nice. No it is not.

And again, if you have any illness or problem or concern, deal with it in advance so that you should never find yourself in similar situation.

And please deal with your soul/mentality, even if everything seems to be in okay. Cause if the soul and spirit are healthy, then you can achieve anything you set your mind to! 😎✨

Yesterday I came back to Haapsalu and I am ready to rumble!

Thanks for listening (read: reading).

Going to add a photo album of what I have been doing in the meantime. 🤗

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